The Cause and Affect

Cause and Affect, For many years Ive struggled with Panic, anxiety, and fear. It was so gripping it affected many aspects of my life. I had gone through so many situations in my life that I had to wonder what has made me so afraid of life. On advice from my Psychologist I basically sat down with my journal in hand and prepared to write down every bad thing that has happened in my whole life. Thinking back from recent days all the way back to the day I was born.

I always had thought I had a great childhood and wonderful parents. I was close to my sisters and family. So I never really thought that anything in the past before I got married could have caused any of my problems. But the more I recalled and wrote down, the more I realized that each small issue that had happened to me, changed my life and how I dealt with things so drastically.

I had finally figured out the root of the problem, the very first thing that started my anxiety and fear. It may have started with one situation but every situation in the future piled on top of each other to create such a high sense of anxiety in my life.

For me the cause was when I was 7 my cousin who was a year older than me, molested me. And every time my family went to visit her family she did the same thing. When I refused to do what she said, she would threaten to do it to my sisters so I allowed it. I became fearful and gave in to someone else's will. I became a door mat at that point, I became a victim.

When you give up the fight and allow yourself to become a victim, you let other people step all over you and you begin to think less of yourself too. So I decided to look up victim in the dictionary, and to my dismay and horror I realized what had truly caused me to become this scared and terrified person. I WAS A VICTIM..... wow

vic·tim (vktm)
n.
1. One who is harmed or killed by another.
2. A living creature slain and offered as a sacrifice.
3. One who is harmed by or made to suffer from an act, circumstance, agency, or condition.
4. A person who suffers injury, loss, or death as a result of a voluntary undertaking.
5. A person who is tricked, swindled, or taken advantage of.

I had allowed myself to stay a victim through my whole life, instead of being like a duck. Like so many adults have told all of us over the years, to being a door mat. Something to let people step all over and wipe their garbage on. What another great epiphany!

So with journal in hand, I walked in to my Psychologist with a new understanding of myself.  And now a big journey begins to deal with the situations in my life and to realize how important I really am and how to become a stronger and more confident woman.